I’m finding myself in a tough position and while this blog is a sharing of my personal feelings, it’s also a request for a conversation.  So, if you can make it through my whining and by the end you have something to contribute (in a healthy way – I’m too hormonally pregnant to be attacked right now and not let it phase me), please do!

These days it feels like we can’t have many opinions without taking a political stance.  In this moment I can’t even think of one thing that wouldn’t be construed as a “hot topic” of political conversation.  I’m over here like, “I love puppies!” and just readying myself for the, “if you really loved puppies, you’d vote for so & so in the next election because she is in favor of amending these antiquated laws that murder puppies.”  It’s all too much to handle sometimes.  This divisiveness we’re experiencing is creating an environment of either overtly and aggressively stating your political affiliation and position OR intentionally abstaining from the conversations.  Both of those options are fine if that’s what you choose for yourself.  The problem is feeling confined to one or the other.  Pressured to speak up or stay quiet.  Guilted into having an opinion you haven’t thought out fully or shamed into being silent when you maintain an unpopular position on an issue.

While this troubles me personally, I have a really strong community that helps me explore my beliefs in a safe place, so I can feel better prepared for heading out into the world as an individual with thoughts.  I know, ridiculous right?  Out in the world having thoughts.  Pshh.  Who does she think she is?!  #TroubleMaker But there’s a layer that troubles me more.  Along with other dedicated and brilliant minds, I help run an organization for women.  We care greatly about ensuring women have what they need to heal and grow and lead wholehearted lives.  This form of empowerment to us is simply emboldening women with the tools and support they need to make choices that are right for them.  This isn’t a plug about how awesome House Of Your Heart (HOYH) is – although it is a magical, fairy dusted place for nourishing connection, empowerment, and hope.  It’s just important as reader you know what we do stand for, so you can make an informed opinion about the challenges I’m facing as an ambassador, responsible party, and stakeholder.  As an organization we have decided that it does not make sense for us to have any political affiliations since we believe all women are capable of finding their own truths and living them out in ways that feel authentic.  However…

Can we call ourselves advocates for women, for women’s empowerment, without taking a political stance?  I’d like to say yes.  Mostly because some of the issues we are facing as women don’t feel like they should be political.  But if we talk about women’s reproductive health we end up touching on a platform that both parties have used to win and lose elections.  When we discuss equal pay or gender equality, it sounds like we have a political agenda or at least an affiliation.  If we are open to a public debate (and let’s be honest, scrutiny), we can share our definition of what a “woman” is and if she’d be welcome to experience HOYH offerings.  If you’re frustrated at this point with my ambiguity, I’ll remind you it is intentional.  Our organization continues to have the difficult, but necessary conversations about how to handle this moving forward.  The bottom line is that what we can say, openly and without pause, is we do not want to alienate any woman from getting the support she needs and deserves.  Also, having differing opinions from other women in our organization does not scare us.  We embrace and welcome the diversity.  We desire it.  It helps us grow and learn and evolve.  Over the many years of connecting women in safe, empowering circles, we have learned that our details or stories are not what binds us – we are connected by the way our stories make us feel.  The way they’ve scarred us or improved us.  The way they continue to knock us on our asses.  The way they teach us everything we need to know.  Opening up and being vulnerable allows us to make meaningful connections with other people and accept ourselves for who we truly are and not who we think we’re supposed to be or who we’ve been in the past.  This is what we do in HOYH.  This is how we HOYH.

Lately, I’ve just been struggling personally to work in a place completely devoted to women and feeling like I can only talk about or post about super neutral things.  Like our voice has been hushed for fear of what it would mean to ask hard questions, pose real issues that we all face, and open a dialogue around extremely sensitive matters where our only agenda is awareness.  What would it mean?  I guess this is where I start asking you as a reader for insight.  Brené Brown’s Braving the Wilderness book tour served as validation for what I’m facing right now.  When I saw her in Austin for the third year in a row (is my fan girl flag too aggressive right now?) she says something along the lines of, “there was no way to write this book in this political climate without talking about political issues.”  Obviously, she said it more eloquently because she’s magical and beautiful and utterly inspiring beyond description or comprehension.  She is also very correct.  Today, it just doesn’t feel possible to talk about anything without talking about politics.  Especially topics that politicians are using as platforms for their campaigns… like women’s rights / issues!

The issues themselves aren’t the only challenge.  I’d like to feel free to quote powerful women – from either side of the political spectrum – without it meaning that HOYH is aligned with any or all of their political beliefs.  Powerful women like Michelle Obama, Laura Bush, Nancy Reagan, or Elizabeth Warren.  My entire thought process started when my husband shared what Democratic Congressional candidate, Alexandria Ocasio Cortez said at an event.  She said, “If it looks like I’m tired, I am. If it looks like I have no makeup on, I don’t. If this is the fifth time you’ve seen me in this dress, deal with it.”  I just loved this!  Men don’t have to deal with the judgments on appearance like women do.  Hillary Clinton ran for office and so much of the conversation was about the way she looked or how she might behave as a woman in our highest office.  #PeriodsScarePeople My initial thought was to share this Ocasio Cortez quote with our HOYH community.  Not because she is a democrat, but because she was changing the narrative for women.  She was calling it out.  And that was really impressive and inspiring.

Can you as a faithful veteran of HOYH or a first-time reader see social media posts about progressing women’s reproductive health and feel like you can still come to us as a pro-life advocate?  Because we don’t care about whether or not you are a Republican, Democrat, Libertarian, member of the Green Party, or find yourself unregistered – we care that all women experience freedom to do what feels right to them – including voting for what they believe in.

Can we say that any woman who identifies as a woman is welcome here and you still feel like YOU belong?  Because we don’t turn women away.  Period.

Are we neglecting a duty to you as women if we don’t say anything at all about the issues we are all facing in the workplace, in the home, at school, in office, and around the world?

What about sexual harassment and the way women continue to be treated as objects and consistently made to feel uncomfortable, demoralized, and / or unwelcome?

Should HOYH have a voice in these matters?  If yes, how do we continue being a safe place for ALL women while still vocalizing thoughts / issues?

Perhaps we just create spark – igniting the conversations that need to be had and moderate to ensure we’re all feeling heard and respected.  Perhaps we simply inspire the dialogue but stay as unbiased as possible.  Perhaps we provide a platform but remain Switzerland.  Perhaps we say nothing at all because that’s how good girls are supposed to behave.  But, then again, Marilyn Monroe said it best, “Well behaved women rarely make history.”  And we want to help women make history.  It doesn’t have to be globally revolutionary history, but it has to be revolutionary to her deserving soul.  So, what say you, dear reader?  Where do I, where does HOYH go from here?  Remember, be gentle because #SuperPregnant.  But be real AF.

I’m all up in my thirties, ladies.  By now you can imagine shit has gotten real.  Let me take you back for a minute to the year 2009.  College in the rear view, but still clear as day.  Starting a new job, an adult job where they give you days off and everything.  Score!  The love of my life, Matt, thousands of miles away finishing up college because I’m a #cougar. Or as he would call me, a puma – cougar in training.  Apparently, I was too young to be considered a true cougar.  That summer as my birthday approached, it started to sink in just how much life was changing.  What was going to be required of me to be a productive member of society.  [Insert giant quarter life crisis freak out].  I remember calling Matt in a panic about how I was almost 25 and “what am I doing with my life?” and “I need to figure it all out before it’s too late”.  His response, “I think you’re turning 24.”  [Insert giant sigh of relief].  I’ll panic next year.

Flash forward to my thirties and luckily I haven’t encountered that ugly quarter life crisis again.  Twenty-four was good to me as was twenty-five and the many years after.  Sure, crap happened and not everything was buttered popcorn and adoption day at Petco, but I made it work.  If you’re wondering what comes after that quarter life crisis, here are some things that I recommend for #adultingsohard in your thirties:

• GET PLANTS. Those who know me and are reading this are thinking, “She’s killed every plant she’s ever had.”  While that may historically be true, I’m getting much better and they still are a major quality of life improvement.  They better the air around you and cozy up any space.  They give you a sense of responsibility and purpose.  Like, you have to water them and make sure they get enough sun, or they don’t SURVIVE.  Plus, they’ve got a, “She’s really got her shit together” vibe.  I started to feel like a mega adult when I got plants.  Friends in their thirties notice things like this too.  Makes for good small talk. #Bonus

• FRET LESS. ENGAGE MORE.  This one is super important.  Starting my career in my twenties, I was focused on the hustle.  “I am only worthy if I’m productive” or something like that.  “I am the sum of what I accomplish” or something like that.  As meaningful as it is to work your ass off (and trust me, I’m not encouraging you not to do that), the stress that overworking and overthinking can cause isn’t worth it.  Turns out what matters most in life are the lives around you, the earth beneath you, and the energy you pass around on the daily.  Engage more in these things.  The finer things.  The real Michelin stars of life and Pulitzers of your existence.  If you fret less and engage more with what matters, you will find yourself.  And with a lot of other work in that department, you might even love yourself!

• HAVE BABIES. FUR OR OTHERWISE.  If you haven’t already, I’d highly recommend fur babies.  However, this bullet should come with an asterisk. Whether you are a cat person, dog person, pigmy pig or horse of a champion breed person – having a pet means you have true love in your life.  Again, similar to plants, but arguably slightly more important, is your vitality to their life.  They DEMAND your presence, your care, your responsibility, your attention, and your love.  Presently, I’m growing a human baby – the Great Dane babies are going to be so jealous!  He or she has been baking for about 16 weeks.  Having a human baby is big because not all who want them can have them.  It’s big because it doesn’t always work out like you thought.  Sometimes you lose human babies before you have them, sometimes you lose them after you’ve welcomed them to the world.  Sometimes, if you’re lucky, you’ll spend the rest of your life figuring out how to parent them, befriend them, love them and set them free.  You’ll need to grow up quickly if human babies are involved.  *Not all people are ready for this step because the self-centeredness hasn’t yet subsided.  You know if you are in the “too selfish for pets and babies phase” if you sometimes don’t make it home at night and are unclear of the events leading up to waking up in a strange location.  Also, if you have allergies.  If you are allergic to pets and babies you should probably avoid having them. #FreeUnsolicitedAdvice

Before you start judging, no I don’t think this list is exhaustive or all inclusive.  Not even close.  I haven’t even gotten into finding love, being yourself, and doing things that terrify you.  Maybe this blog will end up being a series!  For now, my hands are done typing and my eyes are going cross eyed.  If you get anything from what I’m saying, I hope it’s to focus on the little things.  Notice I didn’t say try to look like women you see in magazines and make more money than you know what to do with.  The biggest life hack I can offer you is to find connection – with yourself, with others, and with the earth.  That, and maybe skip the quarter life crisis 😉

It was 50% my idea to start a blog with Brittany, my best friend from college.  I was particularly optimistic as we hiked down that West Texas mountain, but now it has been over a month and I’ve yet to write a single article.  And it’s not that I don’t have content.

I spent a week road tripping with Brittany in West Texas (#spiritualawakening).  We stayed at El Cosmico in Marfa where we met a posse of people who had just quit their jobs (including me and Britt).  We traveled through the most remote area in Texas to the Chinati Hot Springs, where we are sure we encountered a Mountain Lion.  And finally, we drove to Chisos Basin in Big Bend National Park where we hiked the 12-mile South Rim Trail.  It was that exhausted trip down that spurred the idea for this blog.

After West Texas, my husband and I flew to Toronto for my brother in law’s wedding.  The wedding was planned by multiple theatre stage managers and included a flash mob of singers, singing All You Need is Love.  Then off to Thanksgiving with family in NY.  We all know that the holidays bring drama for every family, but I happen to learn a new soap opera worthy piece of information every time I go home.  So, there’s that.

And now I am in my third and final week in Guatemala where I’ve been learning Spanish, living with my friend and traveling to places like the Yoga Forest, which overlooks Lake Atitlan and an active volcano.  There is almost too much that I could write about, but nope – no blog yet.

Am I too busy? Hardly.  My time in Guatemala has been truly mine.  I have five hours of Spanish classes a day but beyond that I am free to do whatever I want.  I haven’t had this much free time since college breaks, so lack of time is not the reason.

SO, if I have content and time, why haven’t I written?   Well, it is called being terrified.  Terrified of judgement, terrified of vulnerability, terrified of the responses from people in my stories, terrified of what I might feel or say, just 100% full of terror.

I have more respect for writers than ever before, because sharing your story, life and opinions with the world is braver than I ever realized.  It isn’t a statement which is fleeting or an impromptu video in which you spout off your gut feelings in a moment.  It is your thoughts, feelings, life on a page – you’ve thought it through, you’ve taken the time to document it and then omg – you post it… for the world to see and judge and comment.

Considering my insides freak out when I think of all these worse-case scenarios, I don’t know what has motivated me to write today.  Maybe it is the hammock and the peaceful environment.  Or it is the conscientious, thoughtful and loving people of the Yoga Forest surrounding me?  Maybe the universe felt like giving me courage in this moment.  I’m not sure, but I’m thankful and I’m doing this.

So here it is, my first “Shitty First Draft” out there in the world.  Now, I will channel my past self from a magnificent House Of Your Heart retreat, where I jumped off a fireplace (my soapbox) and yelled “I am fearless” as I post this sucker on our website.

At my new haunt in Austin this morning, sipping coffee and sifting through posts from friends. The place is basically empty. Over the two or so hours I spent there, roughly a dozen people came and went, most just grabbing some caffeine to go. The two giant Great Danes I like to bring everywhere with me are generally a conversation starter so I am used to meeting new folks, and I enjoy it too. This particular morning, though, varied greatly from the norm. Not sure if it was dumb luck or fate, but I only crossed paths with women. Women of all kinds and ones I will forever keep in the highest regard. There was the cop from Houston – animal lover and devoted sister. She travels to Austin and other cities once a week to deliver wine to various venues. She tells stories with confidence and finesse. I’d like to meet her parrots one day.

Then there was the brave and bold woman about to embark on a brand new adventure, out of her comfort zone and into something entirely new. It could have been easy for me to get lost in her sharp blue eyes and perfect jaw line, I admit I drooled a little at her flawless physical beauty – but her story was equally captivating. Listening to her big dreams was just as caffeinating as my cup of coffee. What was in the water this morning? Such heart-forward, powerful women. But it was my connection with one woman in particular that really set the tone for my entire day. To meet someone for the first time and be changed; this is magic.

Pearl. On top of her wonderfully vibrant and magnetic soul, her name was freaking Pearl. She was a gem, too. Not sure how the conversation started, but it flowed effortlessly. Time passed without notice. The tone of the exchange glided quickly from superficial to deep – another mermaid, I see. This was going to be good.

She told me she was Buddhist and I immediately needed to know more. Her mother is devoutly Buddhist and lives a peaceful, equanimous life. Pearl laughed, “When your mom talks to ants you believe she is crazy. When they listen you think she might be on to something.” Apparently, believing that all life is equal (none greater than the other including humans and ants), Pearl’s mother was overheard trying to reason with the ants that had taken up residence in her kitchen. With all the sincerity in her heart, she encouraged them to leave and dwell elsewhere – she couldn’t keep them safe from those who did not believe they were creatures worthy of love, respect, and peace.

The second story Pearl shared was the moment she realized that it all made sense; this oneness with nature, with animals, with all life. She had traveled home to visit her mom, and buzzing around her were two large bees as she entered the house. She yelled for her mother and begged her to get them out of the house. With all the majesty that she is, Pearl’s mother came into the room with a plastic shopping bag and asked the bees to leave because they were frightening her daughter. Included in her request was, “You’re scaring my daughter. I know you don’t mean her harm. Please come into this bag and I will bring you away.” And so the bees buzzed right into the bag and she carried them gently outside to set them free, where also, no doubt, she thanked them for their understanding.

As Pearl continued to discuss her beliefs with me, I thought about how the immense beauty in all religions makes it hard to limit to just one, but she does claim her one to be Buddhism. I understood this. Depth in a person demands diversity, acceptance, and our own truth that has been developed through countless curiosity and soul searching. Our insignificance in the grand scheme of all the greatness in the world keeps her humble and she said to me simply, beautifully, “I am nothing, so I am everything.”

This effervescent woman continued to educate me on her life as a child, a young adult, and finally as a married woman living thousands of miles away from her family. How she went to religious schools just to learn more about them, and how she traveled from her home country of Taiwan to the States bravely and courageously fulfilling her dream of working with children. Several stories later, I realized that I was in awe of this woman before me. She spoke with such intention, but it wasn’t too much – just enough to make it clear and thoughtful, but never uncomfortable.

As the wind picked up and distracts us from our mesmerizing interaction, my waitress (Pearl was my waitress, did I mention that?), turns to leave. Since I am not sure if we’ll get another opportunity to speak before I leave, I decided to tell her how incredible she is because women need to celebrate other women for more than their outward appearance. Women need to be telling other women that they are smart, capable, and enough just as they are. I believe that Pearl, like every other woman on this earth, deserved to know all the things that make her special, that drew her so effortlessly to others. I told her she was fascinating, beauty beyond measure. She replied, “Then you must be too. We only see in the world what we have inside us.”

Honestly?! How does she do this, how is she this profound? I’m in love with her magic heart and profound truths. Is polygamy legal in Texas? Would she marry me if I asked nicely? Am I Buddhist? Am I all religions? Am I none?  (curiosity and soul searching, see!)

The equanimity, peace and love she exuded brought out a side of myself that I could really get used to. There is beauty everywhere in this world, if you choose to see it. Pearl said, “Some people see with their eyes when they should be looking with their hearts.” Truth, my new friend. When you open your heart you will get hurt, yes. But you will also get love. You will also be found. You will also find acceptance, not just from others, but more importantly, yourself. Even if for just a moment, I urge you to find what is beautiful about your surroundings and soak it up as long as you can. Rinse. Repeat. Go digging for Pearls. Because sometimes you can walk into a restaurant and meet someone life-changing if you are open to it.

It’s hard to start a blog when you’re not a writer.

Rachael asked me about endeavoring on a new adventure: starting a blog.  She thought it would be something cool to do together and felt we had a lot to say.  We’re both powerful, bad ass women who have thoughts and ideas that typically resonate with the people we meet.  We both run non profits that help the planet or the people in it.  And both of us are college educated and can formulate sentences.  I’m pretty sure none of which is required to purchase a domain and start a blog.

Having something to share with the world created by me and my best friend was an intriguing thought.  We went back and forth with ideas for content.  Do we have stories people want to hear?  I barely journal.  Can I really be trusted to write a blog?  What if my writing sucks?  What if my opinions prevent me from getting the kinds of jobs I may want in the future?  All thoughts and questions we posed as we hiked six miles down to our campsite.  Because the best ideas come when you’re mentally and physically exhausted from a literal uphill battle to South Rim in Big Bend National Park.  “We can set one [website] up and practice writing.  Keep each other accountable and throw our shitty first drafts up before we publish,” she said in so many words.  This is where the light bulb went off.

As a means of dissuading ourselves from perfectionism, Rach and I thrusted toward a journey of self discovery, acceptance, accountability and ultimately radical self love.  We’ve been practicing the art of not giving a fuck and finding we still have value + worth in moments where we are less productive, imperfect, and still learning.  On this path we learned that the final product isn’t quite the point and certainly not where the growth happens.  The fun is in the mess: the writing, collaborating, failing, striving, and inventing + reinventing.

Our friend Joel Hilchey, spirited speaker and expert coach, encourages us to create often and in various ways.  Write things down, put ideas on post its, make lists, organize said lists.  He’s a champion of rapid prototyping which comes from his background in engineering.  Rapid prototyping is a group of techniques used to quickly fabricate a scale model of a physical part or assembly.  In his book Brainsprouting Joel explains that the goal of rapid prototyping is to generate ideas, select one solution quickly, test a prototype to learn what works and what doesn’t, and then repeat this process as many times as possible before the due date.  He also referred to some of these prototypes as shitty first drafts.

“Orrrrr…” I responded to her, “We can say screw perfectionism and call it Shitty First Drafts.  We’ll publish what’s real, not what’s edited.”  You should have heard the octaves we were speaking at.  We loved the idea that this project could mirror what we believe personally.  That this undertaking could simply be another way to connect with other people by being real.  Giddy with excitement we vowed that the material we posted on the site would be unscripted, unedited, and unembellished.  First drafts of our stories (maybe second or third depending on our varying levels of insecurity that day).  Some will be short.  Others might be wordy.  To keep it interesting we’ll throw up some videos.  We’re not accomplished writers and that’s what we like about it.  This blog, like our journey to authenticity and self love, is just a series of first drafts that we are prototyping rapidly.